I’ve been there. Falling in love too fast. Feeling swept away. Or, feeling swept into the corner and sitting alone. I’ve been passionately in love or felt desperately alone many a time before.
Which was part of the problem. I was disheartened about being alone, and in doing so, choosing the wrong people. The only way out of this cycle was to stop and reflect over my feelings and behavior. In doing so, I learned two things: loneliness is inherent to the human condition, and two, when I wasn’t alone, I was choosing the wrong people.
About loneliness. Being alone is being alive. Our journey is our own, and while we live in a world with others, at the end of the day we come home to ourselves. Recognizing that loneliness is a part of life was an incredible relief for me. Being alone didn’t mean there was something wrong with me, and it also freed up time and energy. I could use that time to spoil myself! To draw! To be selfish and to care for myself and live fully in my own experience. And I could do that while also making space for loneliness.
About choosing the wrong people. I was waiting to see if my crush(es) liked me. Vying for their attention and approval. In doing so, I would overlook major red flags and allow for toxic people to enter my life. Disaster as you can imagine.
And then there were the passionate, this-is-love in five days situations. Looking back, this wasn’t love, it was a game of chicken on the road in two mustangs. Head on collision. Danger is always exciting, but stating the obvious–not safe. These dangerous types were often eccentrics, moving to their own rhythm oblivious to the restraints of life. Lovely and enchanting to watch and be around, but not sustainable or practical in the long run.
Love is depth and in my opinion, the best love is built intentionally and slowly. And with choice. So, how do you choose the right partners? Let’s talk. I just watched this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0ZjFSzx83Y by Psychotherapist Patrick Teahan, and dang they are on point sharp and clear. I love their videos. They are a must see. Patrick gets full credit for the below list, with my own flavor of writing and personal experience added.
So, here some things to check before you get involved in a relationship(s):
Do they take responsibility for their life?
We’ve been there: the awful job, the drama with family and friends, the disappointments in life. And while it’s okay to emotionally experience and process these, it is not okay to stay in unhealthy situations. Is the person you like a fighter and do they advocate for themselves? If not, expect to spend your relationship(s) advocating for them while they act like all they can do is flail about.
Do they take care of themselves?
This is huge. Seriously this one is no joke. Do they shower regularly (ha!), do they go to their doctor’s appointments, do they attempt to clean their house and eat right, and do they reflect? Wellness is a lifestyle choice that involves being able to take care of both the body and mind. If you enter into a relationship(s) where the other(s) are not caring for themselves, expect to play Mommy. Nothing could be less sexier in my opinion.
How do they move through conflict?
As you start dating someone, even in the early stages things are bound to come up. Miscommunications happen. Needs aren’t met. Look for red flags! And tackle those red flags. When you speak to the other person(s), do they listen, apologize, and make an effort to change? Are they compassionate, can they see your angle? If not, expect to spend your entire relationship like a game of wack-a-mole with red flags.
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Create and add to your own list as needed and as always, continue to learn about yourself!